I went for a walk with my girlfriend.
I took her to a "special" spot of mine.
It was quite an active, fall day.

( Click for Pics... )

This summer, I've been brewing themes and ideas. These themes consist of personal reflections on : Life and Death (Growth and Decay), as well as Self Image (Insecurities). I have been obsessed with these topics only because, I feel I have something to tell and that I won't feel happy until I get these themes out of my head and onto canvas. I wish that I could just write down in detail what these themes will consist of but I have been having trouble as of lately, understanding exactly how to talk about it. The only way I can really interpret my own thoughts, is through symbolism.

I have started to realize why I am having trouble expressing my thoughts, out loud. I have no one around me that I feel, is actually interested in what I think or do, in art. I cannot have engaging conversations with anyone about my own art. They just don't seem to ask questions and don't articulate what they like about it more than: "This looks awesome" "That is cool" or "I like it".

If I don't have intelligent feedback and no real direct emotion from family or friends, then why do I make art?

Q: "What is your major in college?"

A: "Studio Art"

Q: "What is that? Do you paint pictures?"

A: "I'm studying to become an artist."

Q: "That sounds like fun."

I feel that I'm cursed with this gift of transparent creativity. That everyone around me can see through my fantasy of being something great and know that I'm just fucking around. I'm being foolish in thinking that I will go anywhere with my art. That these years spent in college, studying the technique and theory of art, have been for nothing. I have no realistic goals for myself. I live in this dream world of concepts, ideas and expressive emotions. No one would ever buy my self indulgent crap. Art is only a form to which to decorate a space. I'm only as original as the futon resting below a painting of flowers in a vase.
 
I'd like to argue that being creative isn't easy, but I've fool myself and others around into thinking that I really care about what I make. Maybe I do care a little bit in what I make but I seem to think and create false emotive 2D half ass work that I spent more than acceptable effort on. I'm suppose to have breakthroughs and intuitive spurts of creativity but it seems that discouragement and mental blocks overpowers it all. I can't just let loose and go with the flow because I'm afraid of all things that I'd be doing wrong.

"That hand needs more attention."
"That perspective is off."
"Why did you use green for a highlight?"
"There is too many brush strokes in one direction."

Finally completed. It took about 5 hours..

My next drawing assignment is to render myself 4 times within one piece of paper. Each drawing needs the use of different light and drawn at different angles. Each drawing needs at least one hand in the compositions. I'm going to start this tonight after a trip to the library.

• Why am I creative?

Creativity, to me, is a personal journey through stages of conception to completion. If I'm not commissioned to make art, I still form ideas. I am haunted by rushes of creative thoughts where ever I may be. I feel this way because, I believe we live in a world of art. Films, music, video games, advertisements, objects..etc are all forms of art that we are exposed to. Not only man made but nature can be viewed as art as well. When someone says "this place or thing is beautiful or ugly", it can be suggested that the place or thing has a look that creates a feeling for the viewer. It sets a certain mood.

Creativity is also something that can sit dormant in your mind and unleash through your dreams. People believe certain things in your dreams can be personal metaphors. For example, being chased in your dreams could signify that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable, in your life. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity. http://www.dreammoods.com/
So while you may not think you are creative, your mind is a powerful machine and will paint pictures for you when you aren't aware. I like to think that I create atmospheres of lucid dreams when I form an idea and reveal the finished work. That it may not look completely representational but a gesture of a feeling, thing, place or time.
With practice, anyone can draw what they see but to create a mood and or to add metaphors, is something you can only do personally by yourself. It is your mark on what you see or feel. It is your personal skill that no one else has.

So why am I creative? I am creative because I feel that I need something to escape to when I don't want to face reality and the mundane process of living. Creativity gives me a chance to dive into a different world and build something for myself and others to gaze upon and experience. It gives the viewer a chance to interpret the meaning, feel some kind of emotion, or get lost within its world.
I enjoy being challenged and if I have the skills to create something as I see it in front of me or in my mind, great, the real challenge is how can I make it deeper...

I finished Freddy and turned him in as my outside assignment. The critique went fairly well. Most people suggested more light on the shirt but the professor liked how the light on the face brings the viewer in while the hat and shirt balance an equal amount of light.. I'm happy with it for being a 2 hour drawing. I think if I were to do it again, I'd be looser with the mark making. I feel that it would enhance the creepiness with jagged lines.

I started this last night. Its an assignment for my Figure Drawing class. The assignment consists of a self portrait where you are wearing a disguise that makes you unrecognizable. I have an old school Freddy Kruger mask that I stuffed and mounted on my wall. I thought I would go for creepy, since I guess that is what I'm known for. I love the challenge of this drawing so far. I've done this mask before back in 2003 and this drawing is already kicking the past one in the pants.